Spring is here and the outdoor tennis courts are open. The predominantly WASPy community that I live in celebrates this more than they celebrate Christmas. Tennis is a VERY big deal. People play tennis year round. There are several indoor facilities so that people can keep up on their game in the off season. Tennis is hardcore around here and they don't fuck with this sport. Well, they don't, but I do.
I wasn't raised in a tennis family. Tennis lessons were not a right of birth for me. Plus, I was far too busy on the varsity smoking team to pick it up in high school. However, living where I do and realizing in my thirties that if I didn't learn the sport I would be shunned worse than an unmarried pregnant woman in an Amish community, I began taking lessons. I was and occasionally still am an awesome smoker; I am not awesome at sports. Remember the spazzy kid in your gym class that you all used to make fun of? Yes? That was me and not much has changed. I have been playing tennis for almost eight years. The word "playing" is used very loosely as it does not look anything like what I'm doing out on the court. I am still in the beginner group.
Playing tennis well is not something that I will ever be able to do for three reasons. The first is that I have horrible hand / eye coordination. The second is that I don't have a competitive bone in my body. The third is that I am way too freaking lazy to work that hard at it. So when I do get on the court, I do what I am good at... being extremely silly and making my friends laugh. You're not allowed to smoke on the court or I would do that too. I am not above putting tennis balls in my shirt where my nonexistent breasts are and pretending I have big boobies. The tennis racquet when put between your legs can look like a huge hard penis. I will perform faux ninja moves on the court to distract my opponent. When I do score, which is very rarely, I will do a dance and sing a little Salt-N-Pepa's "Push It". Here watch so you get the idea: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCadcBR95oU I am a much better dancer than tennis player. Miraculously, I have yet to be kicked off a court.
You know what though? I don't hate tennis, I don't even dislike it which is more than I can say for Andre Agassi. Did you read his book? Man, that guy was messed up. Anyway, there are a number of other women in my community who pretty much suck at tennis too and like me, aren't competitive. This is great because we all play together and have a fun time. The pressure to be amazing is off, we make it very social and always follow our matches with either lunch or drinks. Sometimes we won't even finish a match if we think it's going to interfere with our food and booze consumption.
I am very fortunate to live where I do and even more fortunate to have the friends that I have. See you on the courts... or in the bar.
